Your face is a jimmy john
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
