She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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