I wanna bring you to show and tell
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
farters have to be the big spoon...
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
