despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
