Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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