The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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