I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
