why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
