I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
