In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
