so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
