I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you had me at cake vodka
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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