i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Randomize
