so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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