listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
