My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
