I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm like, not good at living.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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