i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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