On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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