I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
