so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
