i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
