I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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