I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
