You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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