either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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