Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
