wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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