I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Randomize