He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
