i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
