Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
