Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
