She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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