There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
