Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
