I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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