I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
