just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
