Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
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