So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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