Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
