A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
