i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
