btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
