my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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