Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
