I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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