I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
