i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
