Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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