I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
BRING THE BAGELS
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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