He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize