If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
