if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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