She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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